you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
