If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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