There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
