My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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