sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
