I accidentally had phone sex last night
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
