I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
