I think I died a long time ago.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
