IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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