I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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