She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
