Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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