Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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