Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
