He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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