areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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