I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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