chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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