I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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