he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
