Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
