chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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