So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
