Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
