she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
