My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
