You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
