Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
