Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
