Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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