I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
