I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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