I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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