So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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