Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
