I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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