The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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