The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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