I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
