Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
