U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Of course I have a pirate flag
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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