I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
