Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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