I hate all girls vehemently.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
