Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
