u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
