She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
