I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
