wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
