he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
